Movies and Snobs

Its been remarked that I am a movie snob. This may be true as I have this whole set of OCD-inspired rules regarding whether or not I’ll bother watching a movie in the first place. They include but are certainly NOT limited to:

1- Who is involved in it? I am a big fan of Tim Burton and I especially liked Big Fish, but, lets be honest- remakes by this guy are to be avoided like the PLAGUE! Tim, how could you? You damned, dirty human. (Btw, am I the only one who thought the Corpse Bride was hot? You know, for a dead marionette chick?)

2- What production company is involved? This goes hand-in-money-grubbing-claw with rule #1. Don’t kid yourself, if it’s from Dreamworks with Steven Spielberg directing, its pretty much guaranteed not to suck. However, if it’s from Full-Moon Entertainment you should be fully prepared for The Puppetmaster. (hmmm… more marionettes…)

3- When is it being released? Everyone knows there are seasons for movie releases: late spring to summer is for action flicks, Halloween is for horror and suspense, Christmas is for family films… you get the idea. The month of January is the dumpster for most movies. Our case in point- BloodRayne starring, er… that girl from T3. Who is involved? Directed by Uwe Boll, the very same ass-hat that inflicted upon us Alone In The Dark and House Of The Dead. Need more proof? January ’05 gave us Electra, Racing Stripes and Assault On Precinct 13. The only exception to this rule seems to be movies from the Oscar-hopeful drama category.

4- How long was it in post-production? Remember a couple of years ago when we all heard rumors of an Exorcist prequel? Yeah, that was in 2002. The ‘finished’ movie was released in 2005. Why so long, you ask? Because when the movie was finished and screened for studio ass-hats the liked it soooo much that they fired the director, extensively re-wrote the script and re-filmed nearly the whole thing. What does this mean for you, my hypothetical reader? Why, not one but two substandard movies cashing in on a horror movie icon’s legacy. Twice the suckiness for twice the price? Now THAT’S an American bargain. (yay, ten-dollar movie tickets)


Obviously there are exceptions to all these rules, but for the most part, asking questions like these will prepare you for (and possibly protect you against) awful movies like Highlander II: The Quickening.