Geek-boy nostalgia

Who laid down his life, you’re the one (you’re the one)
Never thought of giving up, never run (never run)
Oh, without your help we could not have won (not have won)
And you saved us all from kingdom come

Made of solid steel you weighed tons (many tons)
With exhaust pipes on your arms and a gun (yes a gun)
Oh, the Quintessons made you, you’re their son (you’re their son)
And your legacy had just begun…

And though Megatron has killed you,
We’ll continue, we’ll continue
We, the Autobots do thank you and
We will miss you, we will miss you…

Once Orion Pax now you’re Prime (now you’re Prime)
Your naïve-ness made you weak and you died (yes you died)
But the Aerialbots went through time (went through time)
To resurrect your body’s sweet design

On Cybertron we put up a fight (such a fight)
But the Decepticon’s raw power and might (oh, their might)
Forced us on to Earth and that was our plight (ugly plight)
And it seemed there was no hope in sight

And though Megatron has killed you,
We’ll continue, we’ll continue
We, the Autobots do thank you and
We will miss you, we will miss you…

They arrived on our base after dawn (after dawn)
In a shuttle that they stole that belonged (that belonged)
To a crew delivering enerjon (enerjon)
Which we needed to reach Cybertron

Everything was going so wrong (oh so wrong)
Until you careened right at them headlong (yes, headlong)
With the Matrix in your chest beating strong (beating strong)
In astonishment we all looked on…

And though Megatron has killed you,
We’ll continue, we’ll continue
We, the Autobots do thank you and
We will miss you, we will miss you…

Till all are one…

"The Death Of Optimus Prime" by Mr. McFeely


btw, Michael Bay, if you fuck up this movie I will personally hunt you down, skin you and mount your skull above my rig as a geek-boy uber-trophy.

Geek-Boy Whimsy

This is me every other Friday night... sad, nerdly performance anxiety. This week, I think, my friend Stan is running his game based on The Wheel Of Time. Yay, Stan.

First Review of '06!

Movies are kinda my thing and so I can't help commenting on them. Neat fan-boy stuff coming up soon like the 3-hour super-extended edition DVD of the original Dune, complete with an alternate ending. The Passion of The Clerks. Uber-gross looking but must-be-seen SLiTHER. But, along with the good there must, of course, come the bad. Movies like Bloodrayne. Ultraviolet. Basic Instinct 2. (I swear). Of the 100-plus movie trailers at Quicktime.com, 18 of them are remakes or sequels or –even worse- movies based on a video game. That’s not even counting the movies that are based on books and comics. What the hell has happened to movies? Wait, lets narrow our scope here a bit: What the HELL has happened to the horror genre? A disturbing number of horror movies nowadays are rated PG-13. Is the target audience for movies like “Cursed” or “The Amitiville Horror” really 13-year-old girls and, if so, why the hell can’t they just sneak into an R-rated film like we did when we were in junior high rather than being the rationale behind craptastic and watered-down fare? When did horror movies stop being made for an adult audience? Whose idea was it to turn “The Fog” into a WB made-for-TV afterschool special? Goddamit, I LIKE Selma Blair! Make good movies, Selma Blair!
I went ahead and rented “The Fog” last night so take it from me: this movie is an epic voyage of majesty and wonder… if you are drunk from drinking aftershave or if your head is still spinning from too much Katamari. Lets see how this opus stacks up to my checklist:

Who was involved? Lets see… there was TV’s Superboy… dead bitchy-chick from Lost… Selma Blair (gawd-DAMMIT Selma!) and directed by Rupert Wainwright who is most famous for directing things like “Please Hammer, Don’t Hurt ‘Em: The Movie”. -check

What production company? That would be Revolution Studios… the same ass-hats that brought you “XXX-State Of The Union” and “Daddy Day-Care”. -ug, check

When was it released? Halloween ’05… no big surprise there, the best way to cash in on an unsuspecting horror audience is to release it during date-season (Feb) or scare-season (Halloween). -check

How long was it in post-production? I honestly don’t know the answer to this but I can tell you it went from conception in March 05 to raping the senses of moviegoers in October 05 so it couldn’t have been very long… and it really shows! Even a casual viewer will be discomfited by the jarring continuity problems or the gaping holes in the story, both things that should have been fixed in post-production. -check

On top of all this, this movie had one of the stoopidest dramatic elements I’ve ever seen outside of a Scooby-Doo mystery: After Superboy’s friend gets accused of a grisly murder, the gang discovers at the crime scene a small camcorder and decides to take it because (not joking here) it might exonerate their friend! I swear, the dialog went like this:
Him- Here, I found this (the camcorder) on the boat. Take it, keep it safe.
Her- It’s a piece of evidence!
Him- It might prove that Spooner (the friend) is innocent, just keep it safe!

In the movie the scene feels just like it reads here: that the main lead is trying to ensure that the evidence that may help his friend never falls into the hands of the police! I’m going to create a new movie award category just for this scene called the “Buddy-Fucker” Award or possibly the “That’s What You Get For Having The Temerity To Be A Minority In A Horror Movie” Award.

All in all, the movie stank, just like the formula said it would. Buy it? Dear lord, no. Rent it for the purposes of mild piracy? Nope. Borrow it from a friend who copied it before watching it (the bane of my existence) solely to make fun of it MST3K-style? Yup, but only after a whole lot of Katamari.

Fushing Feefs!

Recently I broke my own taboo about visiting my friends’ blogs and I’m here to tell ya’, I’m glad I did=) It helps me find out what’s going on in my friends’ lives and what they are thinking. For instance: I had no idea that my buddy Ryan has a quasi-poetic soul. Or that my buddy Drew has a girlfriend. Or that my friend Shel is thinking about surgery (although I think she’s hot the way she is). I am also deeply ashamed to admit that I am one of the Ass-Hats that forgot my friend Evan's anniversary (but I’m hoping to try to make it up to them this weekend).
It’s also cool to visit these other blogs cause I get to steal html code and memes from them! Here are a couple I stole today, one for you to fill out, one for me to fill out, both about me!


1. Your name: [Never mind. I can totally tell by your comments.]
2. Where did we meet?
3. Take a stab at my middle name:
4. What is the name of my personal religion?
5. How long have you known me?
6. What was your first impression of me upon our first meeting, real or virtual?
7. Color of my eyes:
8. Do I have any siblings?
9. What's one of my favorite things to do?
10. Do you remember one of the first things I said/wrote to you?
11. What's my favorite type of music?
12. What is my best feature?
13. Am I shy or outgoing?
14. Am I a rebel or do I follow the rules?
15. What's your favorite memory of me?
16. Any special talents:
17. Would you consider me a friend?
18. If there were one good nickname for me, what would it be?
19. If you and I were stranded on a deserted island, what is the one thing I would bring?

ABC's
A - Age of first kiss: hmm… first romantic kiss? 12
B - Band listening to right now: Juliana Hatfield
C- Crush on: Mila Kunis (shes just so tiny and cute)
D - Dad's name: Wilburt
E - Easiest person to talk to: God
F - Favorite Song: atm? Aaron Lewis’ cover of Pearl Jam’s Black
G – Greatest Love: My fam, hands down
H- Hometown: The entire Yuba-Sutter area (sadly)
I – Instrument: Guitar
J- Junior High: Franklin Elementary
K - Kids: Yup, 2 of em
L - Longest car ride ever: From CA to TX with a very pregnant wife.
M - Mum's name: Pai
N – Nicknames: Poppy & The Artist Formerly Known As Yoshi
O - One wish: Money
P- Phobias: Rail-Road crossings
Q - Quote(s): “You killed Church, you team-killing fucktard!”
R - Reason to smile: My fam, again
S – Something You Love to Do: Right Now? Rolling things up, Katamari-style
T – Time you woke up today: around 8
U – Unknown fact about me: I really am a Republican
V - Vegetable you hate: Veggie Tales
W - Worst Boyfriend/Girlfriend? Linda-something-or-other
X - X-rays you've had: lots
Y - Yummy food: Rib-eye steaks (as seen on ‘Cooking with Chris’)
Z - Zodiac sign: Pisces

Shiny Goodness

This morning when I was getting ready to go to an appointment I noticed that I had an awful lot of hair care products cluttering up my side of the bathroom and, to make matters worse, I was running out of said hair care products. So, rather than wear a hat or spend 30 frustration-filled minutes coaxing the fab out of my ‘do I decided to just shave it off. So, so long awesome trademark ‘do (complete with superman spit curl), see ya in about 2-3 months!

Btw- iff’n you’re thinking about doin this, 2 things- 1) be sure to pick up a nice lotion/sunblock and 2) if youre gonna do it yourself, be sure you have the mirror/new razor/tear-free shampoo before you get in the shower! I luv my missus because I had even less than none of these things ready and she was there to help me out with every step=)

-oh, and if anyone asks I'm protesting stuff. WE WILL OVERCOME... stuff!

Smurf-a-licious

Everyone MUST check out Sierra's naughty Smurf post, omg=)

..now THATS my kind of wholesome goodness!

Everyone Loves Katamari

I'm starting to dream about rolling things up now=)

It would be funny if it wasn't real... naw, still funny=)

hehehe... ah, good times=)

Magic and Kung-fu

Thanks to the magic of TiVo, this morning the wife and I just finished watching a new episode of Scrubs where Turk and The Todd fought off a horde of masked ninja-surgical residents vying for the favor of their superior, Dr. Wen. This, more than anything else, has helped me decide on a fresh resolution for 2006. This year I will, by the grace of God, lose weight and get into shape for the sole purpose of filming a short grind house, Bruce Lee-esque kung-fu fighting sequence. Don’t get me wrong- I still have the old stand-by resolutions like: Stop smoking, don’t let dust settle on my guitar, read the entire works of an author writing in a different language, learn to play Yu-Gi-Oh properly etc. But this one I’m really excited about and so I’m inviting you, my hypothetical reader, to join me in this noble cause- participation, advice and opinions are most welcome and together we WILL fight off an evil horde of robot-jedi-ninjas before the years end.

Kung-fu in ’06!

-oh, and I also resolve to nail Mila Kunis this year... 'cause there should always be an element of wishful thinking and absurd optimism in any new-year's resolution.

Misnomer

So, awhile back was Thanksgiving, ja? Bravo was showing back-to-back turkey episodes of The West Wing and my favorite one was called, “The Indians In The Lobby”. In it, our loveable (and sadly fictitious) president calls the Butterball Hotline for advice on cooking stuffing. It went like this:

Prez: Stuffing should be stuffed inside the turkey, am I correct?
Butter: It can also be baked in the casserole dish.
Prez: Well, then we'd have to call it something else, wouldn't we?

Its especially funny for me ‘cause around this time I had a drooling, gibbering, miscreant zombie-crack whore screaming in my face as I drove an apartment building down the hwy at 70 mph all the while pressing the panic button attached to what’s called a DriveCam. –btw, a neat little aside about the DriveCam setup, its actually kinda cool. See, its constantly recording and when it gets activated, it will save to internal memory everything that it saw 10 seconds before the activating event and 10 seconds after. Neat, huh? This way, when the Virgin Mary gets sooooo worked up that she spits on you in the course of her narco-psychotic episode, you can rest easy knowing that even if you take 9 whole seconds to wipe away spittle or overcome shock or wonder about things like hep-b or HIV, even IF you take all 9 seconds- if you press the panic button, it will have saved to memory the actual incident and the disgusted (and yet somehow unsurprised) look on you face for future litigation. Or the gag reel. Or funniest infectious diseases or something. Sounds groovy, right? Well imagine my surprise when I pressed the shiny, candy-like button and nothing happened. Nada. Not a gorram thing.
Well, of course the situation was eventually resolved, Souxie Homemaker suddenly remembered a PTA meeting she had to get to so she got off right there in the middle of the highway. (hey, it was safe… honest) Thoughtful drone that I was, I dutifully jotted down the little tidbit about the utter failure of the panic button, caused a little more trouble for the evening then went home.
The next day went predictably with my good friend getting into trouble over the incident because A) he had allowed me access to a marker and a dry-erase board and B) the handling of the previous evening’s situation didn’t include a visit from the police to ensure the safety of the maniac-psycho (who, btw, may have actually been Margot Kidder) when she was callously deposited on the highway. That very evening when I was getting ready to go home I found a note from the maintenance staff concerning the panic button. It said simply, “Press and hold panic button for 10 seconds to activate.”
10 seconds. Hmm.
But the device will only record 10 seconds previous to and after activation. Wouldn’t this simply cause the device to capture 10 seconds of me holding the gorram button? NOT the preceding crazy-bitch antics that led up to WANTING to press the gorram button? Were we expected to prognosticate an incident using our finely honed ass-hat spidey-sense?

Me: A panic button should be able to be used in a panic, am I correct?
Them: Actually, the button will only activate the device after pressing and holding it for 10 seconds. Because we hate you.
Me: Well, then we'd have to call it something else, wouldn't we?
Them: Die. And don’t write stuff on the dry-erase board anymore.

Yay For The Gap

"I have the feeling about 60 percent of what you say is crap."
-- David Letterman to Bill O'Reilly

Movies and Snobs

Its been remarked that I am a movie snob. This may be true as I have this whole set of OCD-inspired rules regarding whether or not I’ll bother watching a movie in the first place. They include but are certainly NOT limited to:

1- Who is involved in it? I am a big fan of Tim Burton and I especially liked Big Fish, but, lets be honest- remakes by this guy are to be avoided like the PLAGUE! Tim, how could you? You damned, dirty human. (Btw, am I the only one who thought the Corpse Bride was hot? You know, for a dead marionette chick?)

2- What production company is involved? This goes hand-in-money-grubbing-claw with rule #1. Don’t kid yourself, if it’s from Dreamworks with Steven Spielberg directing, its pretty much guaranteed not to suck. However, if it’s from Full-Moon Entertainment you should be fully prepared for The Puppetmaster. (hmmm… more marionettes…)

3- When is it being released? Everyone knows there are seasons for movie releases: late spring to summer is for action flicks, Halloween is for horror and suspense, Christmas is for family films… you get the idea. The month of January is the dumpster for most movies. Our case in point- BloodRayne starring, er… that girl from T3. Who is involved? Directed by Uwe Boll, the very same ass-hat that inflicted upon us Alone In The Dark and House Of The Dead. Need more proof? January ’05 gave us Electra, Racing Stripes and Assault On Precinct 13. The only exception to this rule seems to be movies from the Oscar-hopeful drama category.

4- How long was it in post-production? Remember a couple of years ago when we all heard rumors of an Exorcist prequel? Yeah, that was in 2002. The ‘finished’ movie was released in 2005. Why so long, you ask? Because when the movie was finished and screened for studio ass-hats the liked it soooo much that they fired the director, extensively re-wrote the script and re-filmed nearly the whole thing. What does this mean for you, my hypothetical reader? Why, not one but two substandard movies cashing in on a horror movie icon’s legacy. Twice the suckiness for twice the price? Now THAT’S an American bargain. (yay, ten-dollar movie tickets)


Obviously there are exceptions to all these rules, but for the most part, asking questions like these will prepare you for (and possibly protect you against) awful movies like Highlander II: The Quickening.

Only Four? Wait, that sounds about right...

These four smiling and anonymous people were part of the reason I was able to keep from driving off a proverbial cliff while at my last job. They were friendly (but not overly so) and quiet and punctual. They knew where they wanted to go, they knew how to get there and, most importantly, they found out these things BEFORE climbing aboard a bus and riding towards some random destination. In short, these four good folks were most definitely NOT ass-hats. They were the good ones. Sadly, these four peeps were the ONLY good ones on a run that normally has up to 40 mouth breathers on it. Thank you, thank you guys for being good ones- not once did any of you ever piss me off and for that, I thank you. BTW, clockwise from top-left these guys are: Gets On @ Park and Ride, Gets Off @ Park and Ride, Happy and Has A Son That Does BMX Racing, and lastly, Gets on @ WTC and Occasionally Sits With A Hottie College Student.

Shall We Begin?

Well, it’s the dawn of a new year and I thought I should start out with something positive- naw, j/k! My old work threw me one last little flick on the nose last Monday when I went to collect my final paycheck. Along with the check and hug (both given by the lovely Sierra) was a letter under an official letterhead by the organization. Now, when I saw this, my first notion was that it was a letter of recommendation or perhaps a thank-you note for putting up with all the ass-hattery we dealt with on a regular basis. Not an absurd idea, ja? But it was not to be. No, instead I found a letter stating that I was in signed receipt of the company’s useless photo-copied manual and some uniform articles and that these and any other pieces of company property should be returned IMMEDIATELY! (We KNOW you’ve got our shit, bitch, and we wants it BACK!) I felt like I was breaking up with a spiteful whore who was only giving me back my sony walkman so she could harp at me about the mascara and tampons she left in my bathroom. LoL, and up until the very last day my coworkers were asking me why I was leaving. Aw, good times=)

This is me. Prepare for stinky opinionated urine.