Movies are kinda my thing and so I can't help commenting on them. Neat fan-boy stuff coming up soon like the 3-hour super-extended edition DVD of the original Dune, complete with an alternate ending. The Passion of The Clerks. Uber-gross looking but must-be-seen SLiTHER. But, along with the good there must, of course, come the bad. Movies like Bloodrayne. Ultraviolet. Basic Instinct 2. (I swear). Of the 100-plus movie trailers at Quicktime.com, 18 of them are remakes or sequels or –even worse- movies based on a video game. That’s not even counting the movies that are based on books and comics. What the hell has happened to movies? Wait, lets narrow our scope here a bit: What the HELL has happened to the horror genre? A disturbing number of horror movies nowadays are rated PG-13. Is the target audience for movies like “Cursed” or “The Amitiville Horror” really 13-year-old girls and, if so, why the hell can’t they just sneak into an R-rated film like we did when we were in junior high rather than being the rationale behind craptastic and watered-down fare? When did horror movies stop being made for an adult audience? Whose idea was it to turn “The Fog” into a WB made-for-TV afterschool special? Goddamit, I LIKE Selma Blair! Make good movies, Selma Blair!
I went ahead and rented “The Fog” last night so take it from me: this movie is an epic voyage of majesty and wonder… if you are drunk from drinking aftershave or if your head is still spinning from too much Katamari. Lets see how this opus stacks up to my checklist:
Who was involved? Lets see… there was TV’s Superboy… dead bitchy-chick from Lost… Selma Blair (gawd-DAMMIT Selma!) and directed by Rupert Wainwright who is most famous for directing things like “Please Hammer, Don’t Hurt ‘Em: The Movie”. -check
What production company? That would be Revolution Studios… the same ass-hats that brought you “XXX-State Of The Union” and “Daddy Day-Care”. -ug, check
When was it released? Halloween ’05… no big surprise there, the best way to cash in on an unsuspecting horror audience is to release it during date-season (Feb) or scare-season (Halloween). -check
How long was it in post-production? I honestly don’t know the answer to this but I can tell you it went from conception in March 05 to raping the senses of moviegoers in October 05 so it couldn’t have been very long… and it really shows! Even a casual viewer will be discomfited by the jarring continuity problems or the gaping holes in the story, both things that should have been fixed in post-production. -check
On top of all this, this movie had one of the stoopidest dramatic elements I’ve ever seen outside of a Scooby-Doo mystery: After Superboy’s friend gets accused of a grisly murder, the gang discovers at the crime scene a small camcorder and decides to take it because (not joking here) it might exonerate their friend! I swear, the dialog went like this:
Him- Here, I found this (the camcorder) on the boat. Take it, keep it safe.
Her- It’s a piece of evidence!
Him- It might prove that Spooner (the friend) is innocent, just keep it safe!
In the movie the scene feels just like it reads here: that the main lead is trying to ensure that the evidence that may help his friend never falls into the hands of the police! I’m going to create a new movie award category just for this scene called the “Buddy-Fucker” Award or possibly the “That’s What You Get For Having The Temerity To Be A Minority In A Horror Movie” Award.
All in all, the movie stank, just like the formula said it would. Buy it? Dear lord, no. Rent it for the purposes of mild piracy? Nope. Borrow it from a friend who copied it before watching it (the bane of my existence) solely to make fun of it MST3K-style? Yup, but only after a whole lot of Katamari.
Thursday, January 26, 2006
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3 comments:
There are no more original ideas, so everything is a remake in one fashion or another. Slither's just a Body Snatchers rehash with a Tremors tonality (though nice to see Fillion still can get work).
The original Fog wasn't exactly the best in horror either.
I think, done well, the rating doesn't really matter. Poltergeist #1 was a PG film and fo its time had a lot of really good scary elements.
And 13 year old girls remain the largest faction of moviegoers, sadly, which is why filmmakers/studios push so hard to be PG-13 or below: for the money. Good or not, how many R Rated movies made comparable money over the last few years (discounting flukes like 40 Y/o virgin and Wedding Crashers).
All that said, as I LIKE gory horror movies, and boobies, I'd like some more rated R scary pictures too.
Bah! You’re just a fan of Tom Welling… whereas I am a fan of 13-year-old girls=) j/k bro. Naw, I agree 100% that intelligent screenplays, competent acting, thoughtful production values and creative direction are the criteria that make or break a movie. It’s also interesting that you should use Poltergeist as your example here because it’s the model that I use when I compare moderate thriller/horror films.
went and seen the new underworld. was great. realy gory. and was pritty fun as well, better than the first.
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