Hajj

It occurred today that it's more of a pilgrimage of sorts, more or less a ‘Journey To The Center Of Chris And His Asshat Motivations”.

Anyways, for whatever reasons, here are the projected dates:

Report to in-processing 17 January.

Begin BMT @ Ft. Sill, OK, 26 January.

Begin AIT @ Ft. Sam Houston, TX, (fricken TEXAS again!) 16 April.

Return to loving family and friends on or around 10 August. (Swimsuits and hamburger buns, yay!)

More to come

Asshats Among Us

"The Muslim representative from Minnesota was elected by the voters of that district and if American citizens don't wake up and adopt the Virgil Goode position on immigration there will likely be many more Muslims elected to office and demanding the use of the Koran,"

Rep. Virgil Goode of the Commonwealth of Virginia
postulating on the future of the Democratic process.

"I will not be putting my hand on the Quran,"

Again, Rep. Virgil Goode of the Commonwealth of Virginia at a news conference Thursday at the Franklin County Courthouse where he was apparently afraid that physical contact with a holy book from outside his own religion would cause the flesh on his hand to curl and smoke.

Honestly, what is the big scare here? What is this guy so afraid of? His asshat grievance is tantamount to saying that I shouldn’t be allowed to swear an oath using a Roman Catholic bible… that the only acceptable thing to swear an official, non-secular, governmental oath on would be a selection from his personal collection of King James bibles or some such.

Not being particularly adept at scathing word-play, I have not used the links above to let the gentleman in question know how I feel, however, if you, my gentle-enlightened-hypothetical reader would like to, please be my guest.

I have a feeling that prayers don’t work like this, Lord, but if you could see to it that the Ghost of Diversities Future visits this asshat and makes him into a communist, homosexual, mulatto, Islamic-Jew, that would be just great. If that’s asking too much, perhaps it’ll be enough that he simply loses his seat during the next election cycle… and that his children don’t grow up to be like him… that would also be just fine.

Associations

Alphaville

Forever young

Ann Rice’s vampires

Crappy vampire movies

The resurgence of zombie movies

Groundskeeper Willie exclaiming, “Ach! Zombies!”

Scottish and Irish brogues

The Cranberries

Dark-haired women with pale skin and light eyes (brogue is optional but a definite plus)

Linda Carter’s Wonder Woman

Sherilyn Fenn in a Wonder Woman costume

Laura Prepon in a dominatrix outfit

The GIGANTIC checkout girl at the Albertson’s on East Ave. (every time I see her I have the urge to climb her like I’m making an ascent up K-2. *everyone I’ve ever slept with has been shorter than me, consequently, when we are spooning her feet would always be on top of my feet… I’ve always wondered what the foot arrangement would be while sleeping with someone taller than me.)

I was recently challenged to record and blog an example of my train of thought, sort of a connect-the-dots line of thinking much like the old word association game we used to play.

Words’ Worth

I’ve started noticing something interesting involving the power of words and terminologies lately. Here are a few examples and a clumsy segue:

'Secularism' isn’t the opposite of religion or spiritualism… honestly; it’s the desire for an absence of religion and religion-based value judgments from government. Recently ‘secular’ has turned into a denigration thrown about by the modern religious entities, including politicians. Its curious to me that such a term, its utilization prescribed clearly in the first amendment, can be twisted like this.

Another example of the twisting of a words’ meaning to fit into a political or religious lexicon is the term ‘Liberal’. Politically speaking, it wasn’t until the 80’s that the term picked up its negative connotation, literally stepping up into popular use to replace the term ‘Communist’ when it became convenient.

There’s no doubt about it: words have power. But it’s not always about obfuscation or ridiculous political shenanigans. Sometimes its about trust and mood.

The last example is ‘Civil War’. Recently the mainstream media have decided to call a duck a duck and use the term ‘Civil War’ to describe the sectarian violence in Iraq.

"use the term ‘Civil War’ to describe the sectarian violence in Iraq..."

Firstly, kudos to the Times and NBC news for stepping up to the plate and doing the job by publicly stating that they wouldn’t be a part of a semantic, hair-splitting argument with this country’s imperious leader. Secondly, no one who has been paying attention could, in any honesty, describe the ass-hattery in Iraq as anything but a full-fledged civil war. That being said, I was sorta hoping the subterfuge would hold, at least for a while longer.

You see, when you make a big deal about a name-change or a terminology shift, you tend to create a spectacle and attract attention, which is, I am sure, the point. The problem is this: We, as a national collective, are responsible for the instability in Iraq.

"...one of the greatest falsehoods... is that America is thankful for her soldiers’ service..."

Yeah, we went under false pretenses, yup, the post-war was (and IS being) grossly mishandled and (/sigh) yeah, one of the greatest falsehoods perpetrated on the American heartland today is that America is thankful for her soldiers’ service. None of that changes the simple truth that, like it or not, Iraq is a reality and our nation is responsible. And now, with this latest shift in terminology, we have given ourselves the long lost exit strategy, the ‘out’ from the situation that we have all been looking for: Dubya’s ‘cut and run’ come to terrible reality.

Confused? I will explain. Here’s the power of these words: by definition, a ‘Civil War’ is an INTERNAL matter, resolvable only through internal (see: Iraqi) means and without external influence. As though the west would have ANY viable influence in the area if simply left tomorrow, ja? With the terminology’s popular use comes the inevitable sentiment that we should just leave and let them sort it all out.

Doing this would be madness, just as idiotic as picking the fight to begin with. The long-term humanitarian effects would be catastrophic as there still are not even basic services running reliably and the only independent aid organization, the Red Cross, is a very popular target for kidnapping and murder. But that’s not the worst reason.

"...(prematurely leaving Iraq) would be madness... The long-term humanitarian effects would be catastrophic..."

The most compelling reason is, sadly, strategic. Say that stabilization happens overnight, immediately after we withdraw our troops and in spite of the lack of western ‘aid’. This means that they either subjugated their enemies or, worse, they realized that the differences between their ideologies were slight enough to overlook. You would now have an openly hostile, aggressive nation sitting on 2/3 of the petroleum reserves in the Middle East… sitting next door to an historical enemy of the west with strong religious and cultural ties to its populous. This very situation is the reason why we didn’t depose Saddam Hussein in 1991. It’s also the reason why we helped put him into power in the first place.

Folks, we as a nation have an opportunity now to do what’s right by owning up to our collective mistakes. Its only a sad coincidence that supporting the mission means the same (superficially) as supporting Dubya. Our troops deserve better treatment, their sacrifices should not be diminished through intellectual legerdemain and the people of Iraq deserve their shot at peace and a better tomorrow. Particularly because we are responsible for their crappy 'today'.

p.s.
Speaking of the power of words, Kramer dropping the N-bomb on a couple hecklers isn’t the end of the world, hell, its barely even news. There are more important things we should be discussing atm (see above) and it seems to me that hypocritical sensitivity to idiotic name calling shouldn’t even be on a rational adult’s radar.

Thanks

It being the week of American Thanksgiving I thought I would give a quick run-down of the things for which I am thankful.



My family – the peeps that know me well enough to fit into this category know that to my mind marital and blood relations do not necessarily make a family. Rather, it’s the inexorable bonds that lay between us, intertwining us, that no measure of miles or words unsaid (or even words to UNsay) can change. Whether you are under my roof, just a few blocks away, all the way over in WA or lost out there in the ether, you are my family and I am thankful for the way you all enrich my life.



My health – recently, my doc and I decided it was time to drop my blood pressure medication altogether, an event that, to my mind, is tantamount to beating back the ravages of age and the crappy infirmities that go along with it. While there are still some things that I would like to change and a few things that I have come to accept (albeit grudgingly) I’d still have to say that I am right now in the best physical (lol) health that I have been in ten years. This has led to, among other things, the rediscovery of and a renewed interest from members of the opposite sex. This would seem to fall squarely into the category of ‘Sweet’ and I am thankful for it.



My faith – the varying features of my personal faith are difficult to categorize except in the most general way. You see, I am a Catholic and, by default, a Christian, however there are some important distinctions here. Personally, I am more concerned with spirituality in general and less concerned with established religious doctrines and morals. To me, it’s of greater worth to be striving for inner balance and a spiritual connection with the people around you (including the divine) than to blindly follow rules. It’s because of this perceived relationship between myself and the divine that I was able to make some fairly important decisions lately and, having set those decisions and their consequences in motion, am now feeling better about life in general.



Happy Thanksgiving all,



C.







oh, and btw, To all the aboriginal Americans out there: Sorry for stealing your country and stuff.

Advice For My Boyos - Shaving

*please don’t pay any attention to the following article nor to any of the others in this ongoing and critically acclaimed series.

At some point, we all have to make peace with the idea that we are, in fact, not sane. With that in mind, allow me to share with you, my hypothetical reader, another bit of crazy that has been rolling around the pachinko-machine that is my psyche: I rehearse conversations. Entire conversations. From beginning to end and with every derivation I can imagine, if it’s a subject that is moderately important to me, then I will work it out in my mind ahead of time. Alright, maybe its not so strange as all that, but, my lovely wife seems to think it is so there you have it. Its in this vein that I decided to write the following series of articles: at some point, my boys are a-gonna start asking strange questions the answers to which, if I am unprepared, will, at best, provide them with less-than-optimal advice and at worst, confuse them to the point where the advice isn’t understood or heeded.

-Chris’ nightmare example: “Sooo, when Poppy was telling us about underground boxing clubs was he trying to tell us to avoid being ‘space-monkeys’ or was he telling us not to pick fights with strangers just to let them win? Bah, who cares? Lets go smoke crack and get some cheerleaders pregnant!”

As you can see, I have a lot of work ahead of me as the stakes are simply too high to leave those conversations to chance. I should also point out that in my nightmare example-universe, my children both speak with english accents. */shrug*

Shaving-

a... The first thing to think about here is the razor. A good, sharp razor is a godsend.

Razor Rule #1: Never borrow another guy’s razor without asking. Always ask first and even then it’s still a little weird. “Why?” you ask? Well, sons, a man’s razor is a personal thing and you’ll understand that a bit better after you’ve scraped a few layers of dermis from your face with a cold, dull, rusty razor that you thought was as sharp as The Lightbringer himself. The only ways this could have happened is if you either forgot to change the razor yourself after the last time you cut your face off (dumbass) or someone else used it. And btw, if they didn’t tell you they were going to use it, there’s no telling where they used it.

-its at this point we need to pause for a moment and discuss, father to sons, “The Female Exception Rule”. You see, it works like this: Women, for the most part, are exempt from many of the rules which men hold dear. For example, lets take Razor Rule #1, shall we? Women never have to ask permission to use a man’s razor and a man must never, NEVER reveal that he doesn’t want her to use his razor. The reasons are thus:

1… If a woman is in a position to use your razor she must logically be comfortable enough with you to use said toiletries. This says a lot. Don’t screw it up by whining about your stupid razor.

2… If you are friendly with a woman and she goes about using ANYTHING in the house to make herself feel better or be prettier in any way then this can only benefit you. Take my word for it son, you definitely want her to use your razor rather than not shave at all. Remember son, bleaching doesn’t make a mustache go away.

Razor Rule #2: Hot, sharp razor equals good. Cold, dull, hateful razor equals bloody mess in the sink. And while we are here let’s talk about what to do when you inevitably shave some of you chin off. First things first: finish shaving. Someone is paying for the hot water, shaving cream and razors and if it’s me, you damn well better not waste it. If it is you, being wasteful would make you a dumbass. Suck it up and finish shaving. Secondly, if you do cut yourself, do not use little pieces of tissue to stop the bleeding. The only reason guys started doing this in the first place was because there was a cologne commercial at some point which showed a manly-man nicking himself and, rather than get a little blood on his shirt which he stupidly did not remove before starting to shave, (dumbass) he decided to put little pieces of TP on his face just so he could have his commercial-universe daughter pick them off before kissing him. Son, if you finish shaving and finish brushing your teeth and putting on your clothes and you are still concerned about the amount of blood coming out of your face, you may have bigger problems. Hemophilia and leukemia. Google them.

b... Moving the razor.

The only rule here is to be sure and move the razor up and down only, NEVER side to side or laterally across your face and never, EVER against the direction your facial hairs are growing. As a matter of fact, if anyone ever tells you to do any of those three prohibited things, you go ahead and punch them in the eye as this person is not your friend. In fact, he’s probably the same asshat that used your razor without asking in the first place.
He owes you blood.

Well boys, that’s pretty much it as far as shaving goes… stick to these simple guidelines and you’ll be just fine.

And always remember that your Poppy loves you.

Breathing Out So You Can Breath Me In

Occasionally it’s necessary to let out bits of crazy in order to keep from blowing up, much like knocking the press off the boiler (“She creeps…”) keeps the scary old hotel from blowing sky-high.

...today I thought I found one of my old guitar picks but it turned out to be just an old, used band-aid that had been folded up and left to harden...

...after periodically lamenting the fact that I am the primary IT nerd in my ‘lil group of friends, my friends eventually stopped asking for my help… then, last night, my friend asked if I would help him with a minor IT problem this morning to which I readily agreed, being secretly happy to be able to help in my special way. I arrived at his place this morning and found that I had missed him in the shuffle and he was already over at my place… and he had already taken care of his problem himself…

…a while back I offered to tune my friend’s guitar for him using an electronic tuner my good chum Drew had given me. While in the midst of tuning, not one but two strings broke including the high E. Thankfully, it missed blinding me when it streaked upward and outward at the speed of light however it did manage to give me a minor cut on my right hand, drawing a bit of blood. I am now, irrationally, afraid of my friend’s guitar because whenever I look at it now, I get the distinct feeling that having tasted my blood once, it will not be satisfied until it’s able to taste it again…

…having recently lost a bit of weight (and subsequent inches from my waist) I was surprised and dismayed this morning when I saw that it was raining outside and I found I no longer had any jeans that fit…

…during the entire time I was smoking (during my most recent stint as an addict, that is) I was never once sick with a cough or a throat ailment. Now, after having been quit of cigarettes for just over three weeks, I am starting to develop a froggy throat… bleh…

…I am secretly terrified that Bob Woodward may be full of shit…

…whenever I’m in a parking lot and happen to drop my keys on the ground, I’ll always look around before picking them up… this is not a self-preservation habit nor is it one born of vanity, i.e. making sure no one is looking at my bottom in case my pants split open, but rather one of irrational paranoia… you see, whenever this exact situation occurs and I bend over to pick up my keys, I’m absolutely certain a flaming arrow flies through the air directly through the space where my head would be, if I were still standing erect…

…whenever I see a banana peel lying discarded on the ground, I always have to fight back a desire to intentionally slip on it, just to see if a silly noise or a laugh-track will begin playing out of nowhere…

I think that’s enough for a while.

/smile

Suckiness Abounds

Everything. Seriously. Everything, everyone, everywhere, everywhen… all of it sucks. Those little mints that come in a roll? You know, ‘the freshmakers’? Yeah, Mentos… they suck. Photo-realistic bahamuts? They suck. It all sucks.
People tell me it’s a temporary thing, that the suckiness will fade and I will emerge a new man into a tobacco-free existence. Balls. That’s right, I said, “Balls.”
It’s a common lament, the whole “If I had known how hard it is to quit, I would never have started in the first place.” I’ll go you one better: If I had remembered how hard it was to quit, I wouldn’t have quit. Sure, I would still be all stinky and addicted, but I was relatively happy with it. Well, maybe not happy per se but I wasn’t particularly unhappy. And I had stuff that I could do… Bored? Have a smoke. Hungry? Have a smoke. After sex? After meals? After working out? After a TV show? Awkward pauses in conversation? Just finished killing a bear with your teeth and a penknife that you keep in your colon for just this sort of emergency and you feel entitled to a little reward? In a box with a fox, in a house with a mouse, you could have lit up here or there… you could have smoked up anywhere. Now there’s this vacuum-void-hole-emptiness-lack going on. Its simply a matter of finding another habit to fill the vacancy, preferably one thats a bit healthier, ja? So far, I’ve only found one thing that’s easy-convenient-healthy and that is brushing my teeth. Now I brush my teeth 10 – 15 times a day.
Alright, maybe this is all a combination self-pity, restlessness and detox irritability. Maybe there really is an addiction-free (and stink-free) light at the end of the tunnel. In any case, just composing this has made me feel a bit better, at least until I finish dealing with this grizzly bear.

Candy is Delicious

I'm working my 'happy thoughts' thing but it's not really going so well. You see, I had a 50/50 weekend. Yeah, I know, ‘new leagues of fellowship’, fun and discovery, yadda-yadda-yadda. We had all of that stuff this weekend, plus we celebrated my wife’s birthday on Sunday and I came to an important decision early Monday morning. There were just a few aspects of this weekend’s interactions that left me feeling, well, unvalued and credulous. Don’t get me wrong; this won’t have a substantial effect on the associations I’ve come to prize as I try really hard to not be the guy who’s behavior and opinions are influenced by the behaviors of the peeps around him. It’s also safe to say that my feelings on this matter are probably being… er, aggravated by what I’m doing today.

In any case, wish me luck=) You can send happy energy my way by occasionally telling strangers and friends alike, “The urge to smoke will pass whether you smoke or not.”