Everything. Seriously. Everything, everyone, everywhere, everywhen… all of it sucks. Those little mints that come in a roll? You know, ‘the freshmakers’? Yeah, Mentos… they suck. Photo-realistic bahamuts? They suck. It all sucks.
People tell me it’s a temporary thing, that the suckiness will fade and I will emerge a new man into a tobacco-free existence. Balls. That’s right, I said, “Balls.”
It’s a common lament, the whole “If I had known how hard it is to quit, I would never have started in the first place.” I’ll go you one better: If I had remembered how hard it was to quit, I wouldn’t have quit. Sure, I would still be all stinky and addicted, but I was relatively happy with it. Well, maybe not happy per se but I wasn’t particularly unhappy. And I had stuff that I could do… Bored? Have a smoke. Hungry? Have a smoke. After sex? After meals? After working out? After a TV show? Awkward pauses in conversation? Just finished killing a bear with your teeth and a penknife that you keep in your colon for just this sort of emergency and you feel entitled to a little reward? In a box with a fox, in a house with a mouse, you could have lit up here or there… you could have smoked up anywhere. Now there’s this vacuum-void-hole-emptiness-lack going on. Its simply a matter of finding another habit to fill the vacancy, preferably one thats a bit healthier, ja? So far, I’ve only found one thing that’s easy-convenient-healthy and that is brushing my teeth. Now I brush my teeth 10 – 15 times a day.
Alright, maybe this is all a combination self-pity, restlessness and detox irritability. Maybe there really is an addiction-free (and stink-free) light at the end of the tunnel. In any case, just composing this has made me feel a bit better, at least until I finish dealing with this grizzly bear.
