*please don’t pay any attention to the following article nor to any of the others in this ongoing and critically acclaimed series.
At some point, we all have to make peace with the idea that we are, in fact, not sane. With that in mind, allow me to share with you, my hypothetical reader, another bit of crazy that has been rolling around the pachinko-machine that is my psyche: I rehearse conversations. Entire conversations. From beginning to end and with every derivation I can imagine, if it’s a subject that is moderately important to me, then I will work it out in my mind ahead of time. Alright, maybe its not so strange as all that, but, my lovely wife seems to think it is so there you have it. Its in this vein that I decided to write the following series of articles: at some point, my boys are a-gonna start asking strange questions the answers to which, if I am unprepared, will, at best, provide them with less-than-optimal advice and at worst, confuse them to the point where the advice isn’t understood or heeded.
-Chris’ nightmare example: “Sooo, when Poppy was telling us about underground boxing clubs was he trying to tell us to avoid being ‘space-monkeys’ or was he telling us not to pick fights with strangers just to let them win? Bah, who cares? Lets go smoke crack and get some cheerleaders pregnant!”
As you can see, I have a lot of work ahead of me as the stakes are simply too high to leave those conversations to chance. I should also point out that in my nightmare example-universe, my children both speak with english accents. */shrug*
Shaving-
a... The first thing to think about here is the razor. A good, sharp razor is a godsend.
Razor Rule #1: Never borrow another guy’s razor without asking. Always ask first and even then it’s still a little weird. “Why?” you ask? Well, sons, a man’s razor is a personal thing and you’ll understand that a bit better after you’ve scraped a few layers of dermis from your face with a cold, dull, rusty razor that you thought was as sharp as The Lightbringer himself. The only ways this could have happened is if you either forgot to change the razor yourself after the last time you cut your face off (dumbass) or someone else used it. And btw, if they didn’t tell you they were going to use it, there’s no telling where they used it.
-its at this point we need to pause for a moment and discuss, father to sons, “The Female Exception Rule”. You see, it works like this: Women, for the most part, are exempt from many of the rules which men hold dear. For example, lets take Razor Rule #1, shall we? Women never have to ask permission to use a man’s razor and a man must never, NEVER reveal that he doesn’t want her to use his razor. The reasons are thus:
1… If a woman is in a position to use your razor she must logically be comfortable enough with you to use said toiletries. This says a lot. Don’t screw it up by whining about your stupid razor.
2… If you are friendly with a woman and she goes about using ANYTHING in the house to make herself feel better or be prettier in any way then this can only benefit you. Take my word for it son, you definitely want her to use your razor rather than not shave at all. Remember son, bleaching doesn’t make a mustache go away.
Razor Rule #2: Hot, sharp razor equals good. Cold, dull, hateful razor equals bloody mess in the sink. And while we are here let’s talk about what to do when you inevitably shave some of you chin off. First things first: finish shaving. Someone is paying for the hot water, shaving cream and razors and if it’s me, you damn well better not waste it. If it is you, being wasteful would make you a dumbass. Suck it up and finish shaving. Secondly, if you do cut yourself, do not use little pieces of tissue to stop the bleeding. The only reason guys started doing this in the first place was because there was a cologne commercial at some point which showed a manly-man nicking himself and, rather than get a little blood on his shirt which he stupidly did not remove before starting to shave, (dumbass) he decided to put little pieces of TP on his face just so he could have his commercial-universe daughter pick them off before kissing him. Son, if you finish shaving and finish brushing your teeth and putting on your clothes and you are still concerned about the amount of blood coming out of your face, you may have bigger problems. Hemophilia and leukemia. Google them.
b... Moving the razor.
The only rule here is to be sure and move the razor up and down only, NEVER side to side or laterally across your face and never, EVER against the direction your facial hairs are growing. As a matter of fact, if anyone ever tells you to do any of those three prohibited things, you go ahead and punch them in the eye as this person is not your friend. In fact, he’s probably the same asshat that used your razor without asking in the first place.
He owes you blood.
Well boys, that’s pretty much it as far as shaving goes… stick to these simple guidelines and you’ll be just fine.
And always remember that your Poppy loves you.
